Star Wars Alternate Script Review; Attack of the Clones

Scene 42-B, after the capture of Obi-Wan and Anakin on Geonosis

The central meeting chamber (See CG build 10-118), Count Dooku walks in to confer with a holographic projection of Count Sidious.

SIDIOUS: Come my apprentice...we have much to talk about.

DOOKU: Yes my master just let my take off my cloak here. It's hotter than Hades on this planet...here I'll just throw it on this rack here.

*tosses his cloak on General Grievous*

GRIEVOUS: HEY!

DOOKU: Master Sidious! Your coat rack is talking!

SIDIOUS: Yes it does that from time to time, just don't encourage it.

GRIEVOUS: "It"?

DOOKU: Oh okay...kinda creepy though. Didn't they like have any left at Craft Barrel that didn't talk?

GRIEVOUS: I don't care much for you.

SIDIOUS: Cease this foolish chatter! On to business, my master plan is coming to fruitation. Soon the Republic and the Separtists will be at each other's throats...giving me full authority to deploy the clone troopers and wage extra special war!

DOOKU: "Extra special war"?

SIDIOUS: Yes...war that is both "extra" and "special" simultaenously. Do you have a problem understanding that?

DOOKU: Uh no...I uhh get it. Extra special war? Works for me.

SIDIOUS: Soon the laser mounted claws of the robot scorpion which represents my extra special war plan shall come into play...

DOOKU: Wait your plan involves a laser mounted robot scorpion?

SIDIOUS: NO! Thats just the mascot for my extra special war plan. The Extra Special War Plan is so boss that it has a mascot i.e. the laser mounted robot scorpion. What part are you having trouble following?

DOOKU: Uhh..no I get it...boss plan...scorpion mascot. It's not hard to see why it would need a...HEY JANGO!

*Bounty Hunter Jango Fett enters the meeting chamber*

JANGO: Lord Sidious, Count Dooku *nods* Man...it is broiling in here. Let my just take off my coat here and toss it the rack-

GRIEVOUS: DON"T EVEN THINK ABOUT!

JANGO: AAAAHHH!!! Talking coat rack! Kill it! Kill it!

DOOKU: Don't frett Jango, it's supposed to do that.

JANGO: Freak people out?

SIDIOUS: Can I continue ladies? General Coat Rack? I was just getting to the good parts here.

JANGO: My apologies Lord Sidious.

DOOKU: Mine as well.

GRIEVOUS: I'm not a coat rack!

SIDIOUS: The real meat of the extra special war plan is getting Anakin Skywalker to turn to the dark side and become my new apprentice!

DOOKU: Hey I thought I was your apprentice!

SIDIOUS: And getting you promoted to vice Apprentice Dooku! It's much better than being a normal apprentice, you'll get a sexy confidential secretary and matching cufflinks.

DOOKU: Well that doesn't sound to bad...I guess.

JANGO: Wait...did you say Anakin Skywalker? The kid with the rat tail coming out the side of his head?

SIDIOUS: The same!

JANGO: The kid who drove through a power coupling?

SIDIOUS: He did? He couldn't have! Those things are huge and glowing! You'd have to be an idiot to hit one of those...not that I'm saying he did.

JANGO: The guy who got caught in the droid convey belt for like half an hour?

SIDIOUS: Well...it's hard to get off that thing.

JANGO: No way! Seriously, there's like cat walks and emergency stop buttons everywhere.

DOOKU: Yes Lord, the Geonasians are sticklers for workplace safety. Did you know they have twice the number of required eye wash stations?

JANGO: Really? You know I do feel pretty safe down there.

SIDIOUS: SILENCE! Anakin Skywalker will by my new apprentice!

DOOKU: Ahem.

SIDIOUS: Sub-apprentice I mean...yes, sub- apprentice Dooku. Now I need you both to place Obi-Wan and Anakin in a contrived death trap so he can later escape just as I get the clones out there. Comprende?

DOOKU: Comprende Lord.

JANGO: Comprende.

SIDIOUS: General Coat Rack...

GRIEVOUS: IT"S GRIEVOUS! I am not a coat rack! I'm a cyborg! The commander of the droid armies!

JANGO: *beat*

DOOKU: *beat*

SIDIOUS: Whatever. Marshall the troops or something and please use the back door. I don't want people thinking I invite furniture to my war counci meetingsl. That is all.

*The Sidious hologram fades away*

DOOKU: Well lets get crackin'.

JANGO: You go on ahead, Boba threw up in the Slave One on the way here. It got under the seats and it's really starting to smell.

*Dooku and Jango leave the meeting chamber, leaving Grievous*

GRIEVOUS: Fools! They underestimate me now...but soon I'll be the one holding all the cards!

*Grievous rummages through Jango and Dooku's coats*

GRIEVOUS: And their wallets!

*END SCENE*