Dear fellow parents and teachers of Field Brook Middle,
Before getting into the nitty gritty I wanted to congratulate and thank everyone again for their help during our super successful “Spring Fever” bake sale which made a record $217 dollars for the school. Mrs.Greenbaum’s sinfully good mallow cup brownies alone raked in a cool fifty with just a little bit of help from my modest but tasty fruity pebble crispy squares. Although I’m disappointed to learn that over half of the bake sale earnings will be used to restore school property “supposedly” damaged by my son Donald, in particular replacing the padlocks in the girls changing room and compensating the locker owners for their missing clothing, I still maintain my son’s innocence. Donald is a good boy.
The evidence against him is at best spurious. The bolt cutters found in his backpack could’ve been placed there by anyone. As for him being caught with the missing clothing, I stand by his explanation (Which is most obviously the truth) that he had found the stolen clothing thoughtlessly discarded by the true delinquents in the boys bathroom and had only put on all seventeen pairs of gym shorts and underwear strictly for warmth. My Donald should not be held responsible for your schools lack of efficient heating or the perverted misdeeds of some other student or students out to frame him. With that being said, let me move on to more important business, a sickening new form of publication which is being openly distributed in the school yard as we speak, I’m talking about so-called Maritime or Nautical themed pornography.
Seeing the recent resurgence in the popularity of pirates in the movies and the well known and documented lure that a life at sea has on the young mind, it is only natural that our country’s devious smut peddlers would attempt to capitalize on this trend. I recently came into possession of several of these titles which I found under my son Donald’s mattress. He thoughtfully explained to me that he had been duped into thinking they were pamphlets for the Navy and agreed to hold them for a high school boy who he said was considering enlisting after graduation. Seeing my son’s good nature exploited like this has only fueled my resolve to put an end to this practice once and for all. I’ve compiled a brief list of what I felt were the worst of the bunch.
“Shiver Me Timbers, XXX Marks the Spot and Crossboners”
These are pirate themed hard core adult magazines where the female models are dressed as buccaneers with blacked out teeth, eye patches and fake beards and mustaches. Whenever possible these magazines also employ genuine amputees to portray the pegged leg and hook handed pirate variations, leading to the latest issue of Crossboners loathsome “Chumps for Stumps” summer special.
“Masthead Monthly, Salvage Sluts and There He Blows!”
The above two monthly magazines (Salvage Sluts is a quarterly publication) are adult themed depictions of contemporary life at sea. Predictably, the first title is a photo collection of the worlds most suggestive and disgusting ship mastheads. Carved wooden depictions of women in a state of undress which lewdly proposition sailors with names like “Easy Annie”, “Flexible Fran” and the HMS “Bring a Friend”. The layout of Salvage Sluts is more akin to that of that of a hot rod magazine with scantily clad women splayed over and caressing winches, diving bells and robotic submarines. On the surface “There She Blows!” appears to be a serious publication about the whaling industry which after about 15 pages quickly degenerates into photo illustrated accounts of what whalers on long voyages do to one another under the pretext of passing the time.
“Scurvy Girls, XXXPOSURE and National Geographic”
The first two magazines depravedly regard the seriously debilitating conditions that affect sailors as something arousing. Although the idea of an erotic magazine featuring skeletal looking women is by far nothing new , Scurvy Girls takes it to a disturbing new level by having their models abstain from eating any fruits of vegetables for prolonged periods of time. The results are fairly obvious not unlike Scurvy Girls obvious editorial slant which celebrates lists like “America’s Hottest Open Sores” and XXXPOSURES’s “Hot Jaundiced 100’. I’m not to sure about the last magazine not being much of a reader myself save for the occasional Readers Digest I take with me in the tub every now and then, however I’m forced to assume it’s pornography based solely on the glossy paper and the numerous centerfolds I found in just a single issue.
I hope by providing this information we can help nip this problem in the bud and keep children like my Donald safe from this filth.
Sincerely and with the utmost regard.
Deborah “Debbie” Dorsey
Yeah I'm glad this is still around after ten years.
An image that does for eroticism what the Insane Clown Posse does for music.
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