If these movies were people, I'd punch them in the groin.

You've Got Mail"

It starts innocently enough.

I walk up to "You've Got Mail" and casually compliment it on it's shoes."Are those deck shoes?" I ask nonchalantly. "They look snazzy enough to pass for formal wear."

I do my best to fake a guffaw as we exchange banalities. Realizing I've gained "You've Got Mail"'s trust, I conveniently drop my cell phone at his feet.

"Oooopsy me! Let just get that there."I kneel down and just as soon as I reach crotch level I remember Mister Miyagi's drum punch from Karate Kid 2 and do my best to mimic the technique, driving my fist deep into "You've Got Mail"'s genitals.

He goes down like a gazelle on the Discovery channel.

I stand over as he cries, cradling his bruised nards. Between sobs he curses me and accuses me of lying about how good his shoes looked.

But it wasn't lie.

For the first time...I felt ill.