If these movies were people, I'd punch them in the groin #3

"Madagascar"

Things quickly took a turn for the worse.

I came upon "Madagascar" on the side of the road trying to scam a 14 year old chica for the time of day.

Word had gotten out about my activities in the neighborhood and he had been expecting me all day.

We locked eyes and without another word he dipped low to the ground and twisted his arms around like a Jackie Chan flick. He was out to "Kung Fu" me.

I'm no Tony Jaa but I can bullshit with the best of them. I should've realized he was faking it the second he stumbled backward over the curb, falling flat on his seat.

Not thinking twice I took the opening.

Not even bothering to look behind me at the world of hurt coming my way.

As I drove my fist into his berries, I had failed to see his two running buddies "Robots" and "Shark Tale" stepping out of a rimmed out Focus on my six. These guys we're ready in a way Madagascar wasn't. They we're here to take care of some business.

They came down on me hard as "Madagascar" sucked air and screamed for a urologist. I covered my vitals the best I could but I was still taking one Hell of a beating.I lashed out but they're testicles we're out of reach. It was here I started to realize I was cooked. "Better to go down in the thick of it" I thought.

That is until an old friend pulled my fat out of the fire.

"Howl's Moving Castle" thundered up to the curb in his Scion nearly hitting "Robots" and giving "Shark Tale" a bowel hammering start. Weakly I pulled open his passenger door and we hauled ass out of there, quickly merging onto the freeway to disappear into the rush hour traffic.

"Howl's Moving Castle" fed me tissues with his free hand as I tried damming the river of blood pouring out of what had to be a busted nose.

He told me it was time to pack it in. He said that I had made my point. Time to close up shop and move on before some lucky Martin Lawrence movie eventually gets my number.

"No!" I shot back.

This was only the beginning.