The Adventures of Professor Astonishing: PhD in Adventure!

In our last thrilling chapter; two fisted, globe trotting super scientist Anton Astonishing and his plucky young ward Young Billy narrowly escaped certain death at the careful manicured hands of his arch nemesis, Baroness Amazonia!. After teaming with Professor amazingly evil anti-matter duplicate Dr. Nightmaro, it seemed curtains for our intrepid intellectual and his faithful boy sidekick. As luck would have it though, Young Billy's pet capuchin monkey, the mischievous Chimba soiled the controls of the Baroness's Phantom Diamond Ray before she could unleash it on our heroes creating a terrible explosion! Making their escape in the confusion and returning to the safety of the Professor's secret underwater jungle lab, our heroes find themselves adversely affected by the Ray's annihilation! To find out what happens next, tune into this weeks exciting installment....

" Terror Unbound! The Mysterious Case of the Phantom Ray!"

Professor Astonishing: Good thing we made it out when we did Billy, that ray would have sucked the carbon out of our brains if not for our dear Chimba here! He'll be eating his weight in bananas tonight! Right little buddy?

Chimba: KREEE KREEEE!!!

Professor Astonishing: Ha ha! You said a mouthful!

Young Billy: Uhmm...Professor? I was just wondering when we were...Oh shucks I...

Professor Astonishing: Come on now chum, let it out. You know you can come to me with anything, I'm all ears.

Young Billy: Well...uhh I was wondering. Why did we switch bodies with the Baroness and Dr. Nightmaro?

Professor Astonishing: Heck lad I had almost forgot! Seeing as how I am inside the body of my own evil twin I barely noticed any change at all. Except for these perfectly developed calf muscles of his. My God...Look at the size of them. They practically just burst through the fabric!

Young Billy: Well that's great and all but I got stuck in that mean old Amazonia's body and it feels kind of funny.

Professor Astonishing: Sorry Billy I was too mesmerized by these calf muscles of mine to listen to a word you just said. Dear Lord, he could probably snap a man in half with his thighs alone. Billy! Grab me a carbon rod out of the back of the Aqua Gyro's fusion reactor, I bet you a tasty moon pie I could probably rend it into a Dutch bow with my buttocks alone!

Young Billy: u that's great Professor but could we do that later? I just want to know how we got into this mess.

Professor Astonishing: It's rather simple Billy. When we were strapped down in front of the Baroness's Diamond Ray I perceived an ever so tiny micro-fracture within the Phantom Diamond's tip. By using the cover granted by Chimba's diversion I deflection the force of the ray with one of my Barium cufflinks and altered its...it's effects on...Billy. I must say I never noticed that before.

Young Billy: Noticed what Professor?

Professor Astonishing: What a striking figure of a women the Baroness is! I've seldom seen her this close or right side up for that matter, she was always dangling us over a pit of scorpion robots or robotic scorpions...Or something. Hmm...The fullness of her lips.

Young Billy: Uh yeah Professor...She was a real witch.

Professor Astonishing: Perfectly formed breasts, a supple, rounded derriere not unlike that of the most nubile can-can dancer this side of the Champs Elyses.

Young Billy: Okay...Professor can we get back to-

Professor Astonishing: Wide, child bearing hips, a complexion not unlike of the freshest cream...

Young Billy: Uh Professor....

Professor Astonishing: Such perfectly formed feet...Billy check if you...I mean u..The Baroness is wearing a corset.

Young Billy: Uh I don't think so Prof. Why would you need to know something like that?

Professor Astonishing: Professional curiosity Billy... Nothing more. Now onto the matter of rectifying our current predicament. We may be trapped in these bodies for a long time...A very, very long time until then however I expect us to behave as if nothing is amiss! We must carry on! Do not let this set back mar our lives!

Young Billy: You got it Prof! Guess I better go get my chores done.

Professor Astonishing: that's the spirit lad! We'll start by getting all that grime off the Astono-Jet. Now here, put these garments on. I'm sure you'll find them much more practical for washing than the Baroness's slinky apparel.

Young Billy: Gee Prof, I don't think I've seen these in my closet before.

Professor Astonishing: Oh these you mean? Just an extra short pair of cut offs and small white t-shirt I found in my dresser...Just now. Just slip these on and get to it.

Young Billy: You're the boss Prof. Wow! This shirt is really tight around my-

Professor Astonishing: Just a minute Billy, I've prepared some music for you to listen too while you work. Yes Billy the sponge is in the bucket at your feet. You'll have to bend over to pick up. Be careful though, it's very slippery...And very wet.

Young Billy: Hey Prof! What kind of music is this?

Professor Astonishing: Just a little White Snake now straddle the hood Billy! Don't be afraid to press yourself against the glass and get a little dirty yourself...Just a little dirty.

Young Billy: Anything you say Prof...But this is kinda uncomfortable. All this hair is getting in my face.

Professor Astonishing: Then just flip it back Billy...But uh turn around to face me first. I want to see you do it.

Young Billy: Prof? Why would you want too-

Professor Astonishing: Professional curiosity Billy...And nothing else.

Young Billy: You uh...Do think you can cure me Prof.? Right? You are going to cure me right?

Professor Astonishing: Oh yes Billy! It hurts my heart to see you in such a state! Now hurry and wipe down the jet! I need to fit you for a maid's outfit later.

Young Billy: Uh I didn't hear that last thing Prof.

Professor Astonishing: It was nothing Billy...Nothing at all.



TO BE CONTINUED!!!!

Finishing Move: Super Crotch First Post Attack

Adventures in Retail! #1 *based upon real events*

Random Shitard: Greetings! Do you work here? In this place? This store. The one that I'm in now.

Me: Yes, yes I do. Would you like some soup?

Random Shitard: Pardon?

Me: I'm sorry. I have a disease in my bone organs. It forces me to awkwardly offer people soup in the middle of a conversation.

Random Shitard: That must suck grandmas. Does it hurt?

Me: Not as bad as painting the flabby skin beneath your arm with honey and plunging into a fire ant mound but just a little more than swallowing an unskinned pineapple.

Random Shitard: Well good thing I don't give a rats ass about your stupid girlie soup disease. Anyway, can you help me find a book? A book in your store?

Me: The one we're in now?

Random Shitard: Yes, verily.

Me: What does it look like? In our physical universe I mean. If this was like in one of those Matrix movies it just be a bunch of ones and zeroes and I haven't seen any of that shit around here.

Random Shitard: It's made of paper and bound with human flesh.

Me: You mean like in that better movie?

Random Shitard: Yes, that movie that's better than the Matrix. Have you seen it?

Me: Can't say I have.

Random Shitard: I beg to dipper.

Me: You mean "differ"?

Random Shitard: That too. Because I was in your store before and I saw it right there. Right where you're standing. On top of that ugly blue T-shirt with the picture Chasey Lain maintains a refrigerator on it.

Me: You saw it where my head is now?

Random Shitard: Hot diggity damn, yes.

Me: When was this?

Random Shitard: 12,000 years ago after I crossed the Trans-Siberian Ice Bridge into the North American continent, I was hunting mammoth or something gay like that. I came across your store here. It was during the height of the "Great Mandroid Wars of Space Year XXX89".

Me: You mean the "Great Mandroid/ Manimal War of Space Year XXX89"?

Random Shitard: You're obviously confused and/or an Armenian national. The Manimals didn't revolt against the their cruel masters the Mandroids until Space Year XXX142. God, didn't you even watch that Ken Burns mini-series?

Me: The one about jazz music, baseball or intestinal parasites that build little boats out of peoples poop?

Random Shitard: I can't remember but it was boring as shit and had a bunch old black people taking a lot. Anyway, 12,000 years ago I saw the book I wanted right on top of that pink-ish, stubby, veiny column erupting from betwixt your shoulders.

Me: You mean my head?

Random Shitard: Whatever. Look I'll level with you. I don't really want that book or any other kind of book at all. What I really want is for you to sell me the deed to your head so I can bandsaw it off your body and make love to it in my sun room in front of a captive Indian man named Parunder whom I have handcuffed to my radiator.

Me: Oh. I was really getting worried there for a minute.

Random Shitard: So what do you say? I can pay you your weight in chocolate chanukuah money. What do you weigh anyway? 400? 500 pounds?

Me: I'm about 150 but that is a lot of Chauncey money. I'll have to think about it. Can I have some time to mull it over?

Random Shitard: Sure...And there. You've had a whole pico-second to think over. Now when I do make with the band saw? More importantly, can I stuff the chocolate coins into your neck stump when I'm done? Even more importantly, can I do it commando? Everything is chafing me.

Me: I don't know. Would you like some soup?