Wildly Unpopular Bumper Stickers

1) "IF THIS VAN'S A KNOCKIN' THEN THERE'S PROBABLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE SUSPENSION"

2) "HONK IF YOU LOVE EAR PIERCING NOISE"

3) "MY OTHER CAR IS HAVING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE"

4) "MY OTHER CAR IS MY MOMS"

5) "MY OTHER CAR IS A STARGATE...NO WAIT IT'S THE MILLENIUM FALCON...NO WAIT IT'S OPTIMUS PRIME!"

6) "PARENT OF A C-AVERAGE STUDENT AT DARTMOUTH ELMENTARY"

7) "FIGHT SHINGLES!"

8) "SCOTT BAKULA FANS OF AMERICA"

9) "PRO-LIFE AND PROUD OF IT-MAINLY BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING ELSE GOING ON RIGHT NOW"
*Pro Choice version available

10) "NAMBLA OR BUST!"

11) "VOTE DUKAKIS"

If these movies were people, I'd punch them in the groin #3

"Madagascar"

Things quickly took a turn for the worse.

I came upon "Madagascar" on the side of the road trying to scam a 14 year old chica for the time of day.

Word had gotten out about my activities in the neighborhood and he had been expecting me all day.

We locked eyes and without another word he dipped low to the ground and twisted his arms around like a Jackie Chan flick. He was out to "Kung Fu" me.

I'm no Tony Jaa but I can bullshit with the best of them. I should've realized he was faking it the second he stumbled backward over the curb, falling flat on his seat.

Not thinking twice I took the opening.

Not even bothering to look behind me at the world of hurt coming my way.

As I drove my fist into his berries, I had failed to see his two running buddies "Robots" and "Shark Tale" stepping out of a rimmed out Focus on my six. These guys we're ready in a way Madagascar wasn't. They we're here to take care of some business.

They came down on me hard as "Madagascar" sucked air and screamed for a urologist. I covered my vitals the best I could but I was still taking one Hell of a beating.I lashed out but they're testicles we're out of reach. It was here I started to realize I was cooked. "Better to go down in the thick of it" I thought.

That is until an old friend pulled my fat out of the fire.

"Howl's Moving Castle" thundered up to the curb in his Scion nearly hitting "Robots" and giving "Shark Tale" a bowel hammering start. Weakly I pulled open his passenger door and we hauled ass out of there, quickly merging onto the freeway to disappear into the rush hour traffic.

"Howl's Moving Castle" fed me tissues with his free hand as I tried damming the river of blood pouring out of what had to be a busted nose.

He told me it was time to pack it in. He said that I had made my point. Time to close up shop and move on before some lucky Martin Lawrence movie eventually gets my number.

"No!" I shot back.

This was only the beginning.

If these movies we're people, I'd punch them in the groin. #2

"Diary of a Mad Black Woman"

I knew this one would be trouble from the start.

The second "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" saw me come around the corner, it took off into a furious sprint in the opposite direction. Pumping it's arms furiously as if it we're trying to take flight.

I gave chase. Mentally cursing myself for lacing up my boots instead of my sneakers this morning. I dig the balls of my feet into the ground and explode from my point of origin,hoping to make up the distance.

The pursuit is furious but ultimately short as I quickly overtake "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" by virtue of a healthy diet and regular exercise regime.

I quickly grab onto the back of his shirt collar, pulling him down, pulling me down into a rough tackle onto the sidewalk, scuffing up my right elbow and knee as we hit the ground.

What follows next is a heated tangle of limbs. Mine and his.

"Diary" desperately struggled to free himself, pelting my head and back with a series of blows as I struggle to reach down to the crook below his waist to achieve my mission. Shrugging off a particular jab to the ear I decided it was now or never.

I jammed my bloodied elbow into his groin as hard I as could. Grinding it like a mortar and pestle into the granite under us. I remember there being a strange feeling carnality as I worked his junk into the ground like a farmer sowing his seed.

His scream rattled windows in passing cars."Diary of a Black Woman" flailed madly as I separated from him, narrowly avoid a quick boot to the head.

Getting up, I quickly fled. It felt like miles before I stopped.

Finally crouching in a Wendy's parking lot I wiped some of the dirt of my wounded elbow and caught my breath.

I had never felt more alive.

Sometimes I find myself thinking of him.

If these movies were people, I'd punch them in the groin.

You've Got Mail"

It starts innocently enough.

I walk up to "You've Got Mail" and casually compliment it on it's shoes."Are those deck shoes?" I ask nonchalantly. "They look snazzy enough to pass for formal wear."

I do my best to fake a guffaw as we exchange banalities. Realizing I've gained "You've Got Mail"'s trust, I conveniently drop my cell phone at his feet.

"Oooopsy me! Let just get that there."I kneel down and just as soon as I reach crotch level I remember Mister Miyagi's drum punch from Karate Kid 2 and do my best to mimic the technique, driving my fist deep into "You've Got Mail"'s genitals.

He goes down like a gazelle on the Discovery channel.

I stand over as he cries, cradling his bruised nards. Between sobs he curses me and accuses me of lying about how good his shoes looked.

But it wasn't lie.

For the first time...I felt ill.