Monday, March 12, 2007

Words of advice for AMV makers.
































1) Linkin Park is not a genre of music.

2) When know Spike dying at the end of Cowboy Bebop was really, really sad...the first 900 times we saw it.

3) Pokemon videos...you're fucking serious?

Yeah I'm glad this is still around after ten years.


4) Evangelion is pretty played out, why don't try using some other spindly giant robot anime with bizarre religous imagery and buxom fourteen year old girls getting jizzed on.

5) You know what series really goes with Evanescence's "Bring Me Back to Life"? A punch in the dick.

6) No more splicing fan art into videos. Once you've seen someone draw a set of massive hooters onto a five year old girl it's pretty easy to give up on the human race.


An image that does for eroticism what the Insane Clown Posse does for music.


7) Nothing says clown shoes like the Cartoon Network logo. Buy the damn DVD or rip the footage directly.

8) No more Naruto videos. Ever. Seriously, I even like Naruto, thats how bad it's gotten.



Believe it! I'm in too many shitty videos.
9) Sports anime videos = boring as crap. It's just not fun if someone isn't getting killed by giant robot missles or a tweleve foot long sword.

10) Dragon Ball...you're fuckining serious?

















































Saturday, November 26, 2005

Deborah Dorsey's Cautionary Memo to the Field Brook Middle School PTA on the subject of Maritime Pornography

Dear fellow parents and teachers of Field Brook Middle,

Before getting into the nitty gritty I wanted to congratulate and thank everyone again for their help during our super successful “Spring Fever” bake sale which made a record $217 dollars for the school. Mrs.Greenbaum’s sinfully good mallow cup brownies alone raked in a cool fifty with just a little bit of help from my modest but tasty fruity pebble crispy squares. Although I’m disappointed to learn that over half of the bake sale earnings will be used to restore school property “supposedly” damaged by my son Donald, in particular replacing the padlocks in the girls changing room and compensating the locker owners for their missing clothing, I still maintain my son’s innocence. Donald is a good boy.

The evidence against him is at best spurious. The bolt cutters found in his backpack could’ve been placed there by anyone. As for him being caught with the missing clothing, I stand by his explanation (Which is most obviously the truth) that he had found the stolen clothing thoughtlessly discarded by the true delinquents in the boys bathroom and had only put on all seventeen pairs of gym shorts and underwear strictly for warmth. My Donald should not be held responsible for your schools lack of efficient heating or the perverted misdeeds of some other student or students out to frame him. With that being said, let me move on to more important business, a sickening new form of publication which is being openly distributed in the school yard as we speak, I’m talking about so-called Maritime or Nautical themed pornography.

Seeing the recent resurgence in the popularity of pirates in the movies and the well known and documented lure that a life at sea has on the young mind, it is only natural that our country’s devious smut peddlers would attempt to capitalize on this trend. I recently came into possession of several of these titles which I found under my son Donald’s mattress. He thoughtfully explained to me that he had been duped into thinking they were pamphlets for the Navy and agreed to hold them for a high school boy who he said was considering enlisting after graduation. Seeing my son’s good nature exploited like this has only fueled my resolve to put an end to this practice once and for all. I’ve compiled a brief list of what I felt were the worst of the bunch.

“Shiver Me Timbers, XXX Marks the Spot and Crossboners”
These are pirate themed hard core adult magazines where the female models are dressed as buccaneers with blacked out teeth, eye patches and fake beards and mustaches. Whenever possible these magazines also employ genuine amputees to portray the pegged leg and hook handed pirate variations, leading to the latest issue of Crossboners loathsome “Chumps for Stumps” summer special.

“Masthead Monthly, Salvage Sluts and There He Blows!”
The above two monthly magazines (Salvage Sluts is a quarterly publication) are adult themed depictions of contemporary life at sea. Predictably, the first title is a photo collection of the worlds most suggestive and disgusting ship mastheads. Carved wooden depictions of women in a state of undress which lewdly proposition sailors with names like “Easy Annie”, “Flexible Fran” and the HMS “Bring a Friend”. The layout of Salvage Sluts is more akin to that of that of a hot rod magazine with scantily clad women splayed over and caressing winches, diving bells and robotic submarines. On the surface “There She Blows!” appears to be a serious publication about the whaling industry which after about 15 pages quickly degenerates into photo illustrated accounts of what whalers on long voyages do to one another under the pretext of passing the time.

“Scurvy Girls, XXXPOSURE and National Geographic”
The first two magazines depravedly regard the seriously debilitating conditions that affect sailors as something arousing. Although the idea of an erotic magazine featuring skeletal looking women is by far nothing new , Scurvy Girls takes it to a disturbing new level by having their models abstain from eating any fruits of vegetables for prolonged periods of time. The results are fairly obvious not unlike Scurvy Girls obvious editorial slant which celebrates lists like “America’s Hottest Open Sores” and XXXPOSURES’s “Hot Jaundiced 100’. I’m not to sure about the last magazine not being much of a reader myself save for the occasional Readers Digest I take with me in the tub every now and then, however I’m forced to assume it’s pornography based solely on the glossy paper and the numerous centerfolds I found in just a single issue.

I hope by providing this information we can help nip this problem in the bud and keep children like my Donald safe from this filth.

Sincerely and with the utmost regard.

Deborah “Debbie” Dorsey

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Wildly Unpopular Bumper Stickers

1) "IF THIS VAN'S A KNOCKIN' THEN THERE'S PROBABLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE SUSPENSION"

2) "HONK IF YOU LOVE EAR PIERCING NOISE"

3) "MY OTHER CAR IS HAVING SEX WITH YOUR WIFE"

4) "MY OTHER CAR IS MY MOMS"

5) "MY OTHER CAR IS A STARGATE...NO WAIT IT'S THE MILLENIUM FALCON...NO WAIT IT'S OPTIMUS PRIME!"

6) "PARENT OF A C-AVERAGE STUDENT AT DARTMOUTH ELMENTARY"

7) "FIGHT SHINGLES!"

8) "SCOTT BAKULA FANS OF AMERICA"

9) "PRO-LIFE AND PROUD OF IT-MAINLY BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING ELSE GOING ON RIGHT NOW"
*Pro Choice version available

10) "NAMBLA OR BUST!"

11) "VOTE DUKAKIS"

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

If these movies were people, I'd punch them in the groin #3

"Madagascar"

Things quickly took a turn for the worse.

I came upon "Madagascar" on the side of the road trying to scam a 14 year old chica for the time of day.

Word had gotten out about my activities in the neighborhood and he had been expecting me all day.

We locked eyes and without another word he dipped low to the ground and twisted his arms around like a Jackie Chan flick. He was out to "Kung Fu" me.

I'm no Tony Jaa but I can bullshit with the best of them. I should've realized he was faking it the second he stumbled backward over the curb, falling flat on his seat.

Not thinking twice I took the opening.

Not even bothering to look behind me at the world of hurt coming my way.

As I drove my fist into his berries, I had failed to see his two running buddies "Robots" and "Shark Tale" stepping out of a rimmed out Focus on my six. These guys we're ready in a way Madagascar wasn't. They we're here to take care of some business.

They came down on me hard as "Madagascar" sucked air and screamed for a urologist. I covered my vitals the best I could but I was still taking one Hell of a beating.I lashed out but they're testicles we're out of reach. It was here I started to realize I was cooked. "Better to go down in the thick of it" I thought.

That is until an old friend pulled my fat out of the fire.

"Howl's Moving Castle" thundered up to the curb in his Scion nearly hitting "Robots" and giving "Shark Tale" a bowel hammering start. Weakly I pulled open his passenger door and we hauled ass out of there, quickly merging onto the freeway to disappear into the rush hour traffic.

"Howl's Moving Castle" fed me tissues with his free hand as I tried damming the river of blood pouring out of what had to be a busted nose.

He told me it was time to pack it in. He said that I had made my point. Time to close up shop and move on before some lucky Martin Lawrence movie eventually gets my number.

"No!" I shot back.

This was only the beginning.

If these movies we're people, I'd punch them in the groin. #2

"Diary of a Mad Black Woman"

I knew this one would be trouble from the start.

The second "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" saw me come around the corner, it took off into a furious sprint in the opposite direction. Pumping it's arms furiously as if it we're trying to take flight.

I gave chase. Mentally cursing myself for lacing up my boots instead of my sneakers this morning. I dig the balls of my feet into the ground and explode from my point of origin,hoping to make up the distance.

The pursuit is furious but ultimately short as I quickly overtake "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" by virtue of a healthy diet and regular exercise regime.

I quickly grab onto the back of his shirt collar, pulling him down, pulling me down into a rough tackle onto the sidewalk, scuffing up my right elbow and knee as we hit the ground.

What follows next is a heated tangle of limbs. Mine and his.

"Diary" desperately struggled to free himself, pelting my head and back with a series of blows as I struggle to reach down to the crook below his waist to achieve my mission. Shrugging off a particular jab to the ear I decided it was now or never.

I jammed my bloodied elbow into his groin as hard I as could. Grinding it like a mortar and pestle into the granite under us. I remember there being a strange feeling carnality as I worked his junk into the ground like a farmer sowing his seed.

His scream rattled windows in passing cars."Diary of a Black Woman" flailed madly as I separated from him, narrowly avoid a quick boot to the head.

Getting up, I quickly fled. It felt like miles before I stopped.

Finally crouching in a Wendy's parking lot I wiped some of the dirt of my wounded elbow and caught my breath.

I had never felt more alive.

Sometimes I find myself thinking of him.

If these movies were people, I'd punch them in the groin.

You've Got Mail"

It starts innocently enough.

I walk up to "You've Got Mail" and casually compliment it on it's shoes."Are those deck shoes?" I ask nonchalantly. "They look snazzy enough to pass for formal wear."

I do my best to fake a guffaw as we exchange banalities. Realizing I've gained "You've Got Mail"'s trust, I conveniently drop my cell phone at his feet.

"Oooopsy me! Let just get that there."I kneel down and just as soon as I reach crotch level I remember Mister Miyagi's drum punch from Karate Kid 2 and do my best to mimic the technique, driving my fist deep into "You've Got Mail"'s genitals.

He goes down like a gazelle on the Discovery channel.

I stand over as he cries, cradling his bruised nards. Between sobs he curses me and accuses me of lying about how good his shoes looked.

But it wasn't lie.

For the first time...I felt ill.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Star Wars Alternate Script Review; Attack of the Clones

Scene 42-B, after the capture of Obi-Wan and Anakin on Geonosis

The central meeting chamber (See CG build 10-118), Count Dooku walks in to confer with a holographic projection of Count Sidious.

SIDIOUS: Come my apprentice...we have much to talk about.

DOOKU: Yes my master just let my take off my cloak here. It's hotter than Hades on this planet...here I'll just throw it on this rack here.

*tosses his cloak on General Grievous*

GRIEVOUS: HEY!

DOOKU: Master Sidious! Your coat rack is talking!

SIDIOUS: Yes it does that from time to time, just don't encourage it.

GRIEVOUS: "It"?

DOOKU: Oh okay...kinda creepy though. Didn't they like have any left at Craft Barrel that didn't talk?

GRIEVOUS: I don't care much for you.

SIDIOUS: Cease this foolish chatter! On to business, my master plan is coming to fruitation. Soon the Republic and the Separtists will be at each other's throats...giving me full authority to deploy the clone troopers and wage extra special war!

DOOKU: "Extra special war"?

SIDIOUS: Yes...war that is both "extra" and "special" simultaenously. Do you have a problem understanding that?

DOOKU: Uh no...I uhh get it. Extra special war? Works for me.

SIDIOUS: Soon the laser mounted claws of the robot scorpion which represents my extra special war plan shall come into play...

DOOKU: Wait your plan involves a laser mounted robot scorpion?

SIDIOUS: NO! Thats just the mascot for my extra special war plan. The Extra Special War Plan is so boss that it has a mascot i.e. the laser mounted robot scorpion. What part are you having trouble following?

DOOKU: Uhh..no I get it...boss plan...scorpion mascot. It's not hard to see why it would need a...HEY JANGO!

*Bounty Hunter Jango Fett enters the meeting chamber*

JANGO: Lord Sidious, Count Dooku *nods* Man...it is broiling in here. Let my just take off my coat here and toss it the rack-

GRIEVOUS: DON"T EVEN THINK ABOUT!

JANGO: AAAAHHH!!! Talking coat rack! Kill it! Kill it!

DOOKU: Don't frett Jango, it's supposed to do that.

JANGO: Freak people out?

SIDIOUS: Can I continue ladies? General Coat Rack? I was just getting to the good parts here.

JANGO: My apologies Lord Sidious.

DOOKU: Mine as well.

GRIEVOUS: I'm not a coat rack!

SIDIOUS: The real meat of the extra special war plan is getting Anakin Skywalker to turn to the dark side and become my new apprentice!

DOOKU: Hey I thought I was your apprentice!

SIDIOUS: And getting you promoted to vice Apprentice Dooku! It's much better than being a normal apprentice, you'll get a sexy confidential secretary and matching cufflinks.

DOOKU: Well that doesn't sound to bad...I guess.

JANGO: Wait...did you say Anakin Skywalker? The kid with the rat tail coming out the side of his head?

SIDIOUS: The same!

JANGO: The kid who drove through a power coupling?

SIDIOUS: He did? He couldn't have! Those things are huge and glowing! You'd have to be an idiot to hit one of those...not that I'm saying he did.

JANGO: The guy who got caught in the droid convey belt for like half an hour?

SIDIOUS: Well...it's hard to get off that thing.

JANGO: No way! Seriously, there's like cat walks and emergency stop buttons everywhere.

DOOKU: Yes Lord, the Geonasians are sticklers for workplace safety. Did you know they have twice the number of required eye wash stations?

JANGO: Really? You know I do feel pretty safe down there.

SIDIOUS: SILENCE! Anakin Skywalker will by my new apprentice!

DOOKU: Ahem.

SIDIOUS: Sub-apprentice I mean...yes, sub- apprentice Dooku. Now I need you both to place Obi-Wan and Anakin in a contrived death trap so he can later escape just as I get the clones out there. Comprende?

DOOKU: Comprende Lord.

JANGO: Comprende.

SIDIOUS: General Coat Rack...

GRIEVOUS: IT"S GRIEVOUS! I am not a coat rack! I'm a cyborg! The commander of the droid armies!

JANGO: *beat*

DOOKU: *beat*

SIDIOUS: Whatever. Marshall the troops or something and please use the back door. I don't want people thinking I invite furniture to my war counci meetingsl. That is all.

*The Sidious hologram fades away*

DOOKU: Well lets get crackin'.

JANGO: You go on ahead, Boba threw up in the Slave One on the way here. It got under the seats and it's really starting to smell.

*Dooku and Jango leave the meeting chamber, leaving Grievous*

GRIEVOUS: Fools! They underestimate me now...but soon I'll be the one holding all the cards!

*Grievous rummages through Jango and Dooku's coats*

GRIEVOUS: And their wallets!

*END SCENE*

Monday, April 25, 2005

Authors who need to be killed with a claw hammer.

Nicholas Sparks.

Writes the same book about old people having flashbacks to when they were young people being in love and having cancer. Repeat 14 million times.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

The Return of Robot-Monster

Tokyo University, 1967-Five years after the city was almost destroyed by the unstoppable killing force known only as "Robot-Monster".

Professor Saki: But I don't understand these readings! They can't be true! They just can't!

Professor Yoshida: What can't be true?

Professor Saki: The readings! The ones I just took from the seis-monotron!

Professor Yoshida: You mean.... the seis-monotron readings?

Professor Saki: Yes.

Professor Yoshida: Oh sorry, totally zoned out there. Go ahead.

Professor Saki: The readings seem indicate that not only is Robot-Monster back on Earth but he's heading towards the city as we speak!

Professor Yoshida: Oh...yeah that's pretty bad. Isn't it?

Professor Saki: Well yes...if you do recall from five years ago. He is eight hundred feet tall, has titantium skin and eyebeams that melt anything in their path.

Professor Yoshida: And he has missles where his hair should be.

Professor Saki: I was getting to that.

Professor Yoshida: Well I just thought the missle thing would be a bit more obvious. I mean how many times do you see something with missles for hair. He had like a whole beard of missles!

Professor Saki: I said I was getting to that!

Yoko: Professor Saki! Professor Yoshida!

Professor Saki: Yoko! What are you doing here? Why didn't you evacuate with the others!

Yoko: I couldn't leave you behind! Not with Robot-Monster's return! Professor Yoshida, I want to help you in any way I can, help to destroy Robot Monster! To avenge my mother's death!

Professor Yoshida: You mean Robot-Monster killed your mother?

Yoko: Yes...it melted her with it's eyebeams, right inside her own house.

Professor Yoshida: So it melted the whole house too?

Yoko: Well yes...

Professor Yoshida: So how can you be sure it wasn't the melting house that killed her? I mean she may have been melted after she died from drowning in liquid house?

Yoko: Oh my God...I guess I never thought of that.

Professor Yoshida: Yeah, Robot-Monster may have just melted your mothers corpse.

Professor Saki: Yoshida please! Now is not the time! You need to prepare your Gravity Catapult for immediate use.

Professor Yoshida: Well about that...

Professor Saki: If it was able to hurl Robot-Monster into the sun last time, then a stronger blast may be able to hurl him clear of the solar system. From what you've told us about it may be our only chance to rid Earth of Robot-Monster once and for all!

Professor Yoshida: ...you see I kinda lied about that.

Professor Saki: About what?

Professor Yoshida: Preeeeeetty much the whole thing. The Gravity Catapult, the intense battle, the part where I said I hurled Robot-Monster into the heart of the sun. Yeah...pretty much all of it.

Yoko: But...you can't be serious. The government gave you 700 trillion yen to build that catapult and stop Robot-Monster!

Professor Yoshida: Well I did kinda use the money to stop him.

Professor Saki: Yoshida...

Professor Yoshida: Truth is...Robot Monster rolled up and I totally blanked. I had like nothing, zip, nada... except for the grant check.

Yoko: Then...well how did you stop Robot-Monster?

Professor Saki: And what became of the money?

Professor Yoshida: Weeeell...

From a distance, Yoko and Professors Yoshida and Saki on the bow of an escape boat, watching as Robot-Monster blows up Mount Fuji with barrage of beard missles.

Yoko: Robot-Monster seems so much larger now that what I remember of him.

Professor Yoshida: Well yeah it's the scones you know. They're like eating seven pieces of bread each. He probably really went nuts on them.

Professor Saki: I can't believe you did this...under all of our noses. You used the 700 trillion yen to put Robot-Monster up at a New England bed and breakfast for five years.

Professor Yoshida: Well yeah...geeez. I didn't see you coming up with any ideas. It was just the first thing that popped into my head as he was about to melt our lab.

Yoko: You've damned us all.

Professor Yoshida: Well if the government would've approved my next grant I could've put him up for another five years! Not my fault man! I came up with a solution! Sure I fudged a details a bit...but hey it sort of worked.

Professor Saki: Oh my God! Thats my home! Oh my God he's melting it! He's melting my family!

Professor Yoshida: Well how can you be sure he's not just melting their corpses?

Professor Saki:......

THE END